I once watched an interesting video by Lila Rose on how the sexual revolution hijacked feminism. Her main claim was that abortion is a form of oppression of women, used by men to control them. An interesting claim, but I don’t want to get into abortion at the moment. What I’d like to address is the concept of how family and motherhood intersects with feminism and the “liberation of women.”
A huge goal of feminism in the past and present has been to liberate women. This is usually meant as liberation from being oppressed or “stuck” or one narrow kind of life or set of opportunities. Lila quote one early feminist writer who suggests creative work will set women free and was “always inclusive toward marriage and motherhood.”
I’ve always found it fascinating how feminism often seems to view the things that make a woman unique (the ability to bear children or create strong emotional bonds) as the enemy—the things that women must be liberated from. Or, as Lila says it, the message is that “children are an insurmountable obstacle to women’s freedom.”
Isn’t the goal of feminism to empower women? To make it easier for them to pursue what they want out of life? Telling a woman to choose between her job and her child is the least empowering thing I can imagine. Do we not realize that the majority of women want to have children and a family? How can we more effectively support women as a society in whatever there goal is? The feminist movement is all over supporting the women whose goal is to advance in the corporate world. If that’s you, power to you. I would encourage you to scrutinize your reasons for choosing that goal and make sure you are not swayed by a culture that insists it’s the only way you’ll be happy. If your goal is to have a family, power to you—and I would encourage you to do the exact same thing. In many circles, such as the one I grew up in, the culture insists reproducing is the only way you’ll be happy.
And what of those in the middle? What if we want to have a family and a career? This is the unfortunate part of the story because this is where feminists swoop in to tell that woman she doesn’t really want a family because those children will just weigh her down and those pregnancies will just put her career on hold and her male coworker will get the promotion instead. If a promotion is more important to you than experiencing in the majestic power of your body of grow, sustain and birth another human being… okay. That is your choice. But do not let anyone make it for you. Do not let anyone tell you children are an obstacle.
The problem with this assumption that women can only have one or the other is that is assumes women can’t be happy with her toes dipped in both worlds. It assumes a woman can’t find fulfillment in her family and her work, simultaneously. Yes, this likely means she won’t be the next CEO. No, this isn’t a failure for her. Yes, this liberates her. Motherhood is an incredibly empowering thing and to take that away from women in the name of liberation is incredibly stupid.
I support the feminism that empowers women to be women, to be proud of their womanhood and to never feel they must copy men in order to be accepted or praised in society. I support the feminism that encourages us as a society to uplift women in their myriad of callings. I cannot support the feminism that forces women into a narrow path to happiness and success, just like I cannot support an “anti-feminism” that does the same, forcing women into a different narrow path (“your only true purpose is a mother”).
Some would argue it is making women unhappy to encourage them to seek happiness outside of a maternal role. These are the strict conservatives, who say women were far happier when homemaking was really the only option. While that may have been a simpler life, and while it’s true women today are confused and frustrated, I don’t think rewinding would take us to a better place.
When I only had one child, I was still working as a virtual assistant, part-time from home. I enjoyed my work immensely. I liked having a break from 24/7 mothering. I found my work fulfilling and enjoyable and I miss it now, I truly do. I was never concerned with being super successful in the professional realm. I knew I didn’t want to be a CEO. And that, I believe, is the key: re-evaluating what women really want. I’m tired of society assuming we want professional success more than anything else. I’m ready to hear women be told they can be just as happy (or maybe even more happy) working part time or even taking a break from work entirely while their children are young.
We are told doing 50% mothering and 50% work is going to result in unhappiness on both departments. And I would agree. That’s not at all what I recommend. It’s called seasons and it’s called schedules. I’m 100% mom when I am caring for my kids. I try my best not to be distracted with my phone or anything else. Then, when I was still a VA and my son asleep, I was 100% focused on work. Nowadays during their nap, I’m 100% focused on myself and resting. And after kids are in bed I’m focused on spending time with our my husband. Maybe one of the problems is we’re running around with 40% here and 40% there and and 5%’s scattered all over the place. That would be exhausting and very unfulfilling!
In one article, the author laments over having to choose between these two options (career or children) and states that if one chooses motherhood, they would lose out on “self-empowerment, personal fulfillment, and financial independence a career affords.” While the last item is true, I would strongly argue against the first two. This is black and white thinking. Sure, a 70-hours-a-week career cannot be pursued whilst raising small humans, but creative work most definitely can, and would lead to much self-empowerment and personal fulfillment. Why are we so stuck in this narrow mindset? Let’s look outside the box! This isn’t a zero sum game. It’s easy to think you have to choose between spending all your time climbing the corporate ladder, having no time to spend with your kids, or spending all your time mothering and having no time to do anything else.
I won’t lie. In my own life, this has not been an easy balance to strike. I often get discouraged and fall into a pattern of all-or-nothing thinking. But I remind myself how fulfilling creative work is for me. I would venture to say creative work is fulfilling for the majority of women. And by creative work I don’t mean something related to our kids. I mean very specifically something we are passionate about, the kind of thing you can say, “this is me” about. For me, it is writing, music and theater. All of those things give me life. And so I spend time and even money to pursue this kind of work, because it sustains me through the long days of pouring myself out as a mother of littles.
Easy to do? Nope. Worth it? One hundred percent.
Take a look at this cartoon:
Before we start a conversation about how couples should shares the workload around the house, we have to look deeper into the heart of this comic. Because at first glance, it might make you think, “Gosh, that’s so unfair. Women have all these obstacles in life that men don’t!” But what is the implication? That men will reach the finish line faster. So then the important question is, “What is the finish line?”
The people in this cartoon are wearing office clothes. This comic is about a specific sphere of life: career. This isn’t about life in general. And it surely isn’t about happiness. I actually wish this comic had nursing babies in the women’s lanes instead of housework because that would be much more accurate. Babies do present a challenge unique to women when it comes to career. No rational person would deny that. But the problem is that once again, career is the end-all and the only real measure of fulfillment in life. We need to stop pretending this is most women. Most women want children. So what we should be addressing is things like employer healthcare covering birth control, having child-care centers in the building, or excellent maternity leave benefits.
My dream would be to see people supporting women in their incredible natural superpower instead of punishing them for embracing their true feminine potential. Their remarkable ability to grow and nourish literal human beings, all the while not neglecting their other gifts for the world.
In the meantime, I’m going to be over here nursing my baby while writing a musical, because I don’t have to choose. Both make me happy, and both make me who I am.
Ariel the Human 